Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
