If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
