the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
