8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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