we're chasing vodka with high fives
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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