I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
