So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
