I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
This is classic penis vs brain.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
