Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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