My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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