I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
