I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
