Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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