i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
