Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize