Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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