I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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