She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
