Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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