Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My hand turned me down
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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