The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
