We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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