I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
