Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
