Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
