turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
