census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
