I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
