I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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