Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My life is pants optional.
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