just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
