Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
