I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
