If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
