I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
