i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
