The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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