haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
