Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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