1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
