There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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