If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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