It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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