Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize