the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
