saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize