how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize