Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
