I need to stop coming to work sober
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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