imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
