I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
