There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
