Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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