did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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