Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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