addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
