Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
