She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Shame is for Republicans.
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